The Suffering is Real
Are you concerned about the growing calls for fair taxation from annoying organisations like 350.org? Has the threat to your luxury lifestyle got you so stressed you can’t enjoy your foie gras? Are you anxious about losing your grip over governments? At the Foundation for Billionaires in Distress, we understand. That’s why we’ve set up an emergency billionaire helpline to reassure you during these trying times. Whether you’re worried about the imminent loss of your private jets and third super-yacht or your ability to undermine democracy, our trained professionals are here to listen and provide advice.
Due to an unprecedented surge in billionaire distress calls, our hotline is currently unable to take your call. We understand this is a deeply traumatic time, and we sincerely regret any inconvenience this may cause.
In the meantime, please find expert-approved coping strategies that have helped other billionaires endure similar hardships:
💎 Take a restorative spa break or juice cleanse. Nothing soothes the existential dread of taxation like a week of cucumber-infused water and an exfoliating gold-flake facial.
📞 Call a fellow billionaire. Sometimes, a heart-to-heart with someone who also worries about how many helicopters is too many helicopters can be incredibly reassuring.
📚 Distract yourself with a feel-good movie or book. We recommend the uplifting “Wolf of Wall Street” (a motivational tale of financial resilience) or “The Great Gatsby,” which is, of course, about the tragic consequences of not having enough money.
🛥 Retail therapy works wonders. Treat yourself! Perhaps a third super-yacht, a modest 100-acre island, or a freshly purchased election cycle.
😌 Practice radical acceptance. If the unthinkable happens and a tax on extreme wealth is introduced, remember:
You will still have more money than anyone could ever spend in a lifetime and your slightly diminished fortune will help fund clean energy, schools, and healthcare for millions. Try to find solace in this.
Stay strong. We believe in you.
Don’t just take it from us. Ultra-wealthy individuals across the country have already been helped by the Billionaires in Distress Foundation:
"When I saw that over 100,000 people had signed a petition calling for taxes on the super-rich, I was at first extremely concerned that I would have to pay a small part of my staggering fortune to the state. But then I spoke to the Foundation's friendly advisers and booked into a £2,000 a night meditation retreat and now I feel much better."
"I couldn't be more grateful for the advice I was given by the Foundation for Billionaires in Distress and I am already looking into purchasing a social media network to help tackle the annoyingly successful movement campaigning for wealth taxes on the super-rich."
"I heard on the radio that even some MPs are now backing taxing super-rich individuals like me. At first I was terrified, but thanks to the Foundation's helpful advice, I have looked into giving a sizable donation to a political party to help ensure they listen sympathetically to my concerns."
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