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1st April, 2025. As the global movement to tax the super rich gains momentum, a new initiative is stepping forward to support those most vulnerable: the world’s billionaires. The Foundation for Distressed Billionaire’s launches today, providing a safe space for approximately 3000 ultra-high-net-worth individuals grappling with the unthinkable — contributing fairly to society.
Because Billionaire Suffering is Real: Are you concerned about the growing calls for fair taxation? Has the threat to your luxury lifestyle got you so stressed you can’t enjoy your foie gras? Are you anxious about losing your grip over governments? At the Foundation for Billionaires in Distress, we understand. That’s why we’ve set up an emergency billionaire helpline to reassure you during these trying times. Whether you’re worried about the imminent loss of your private jets and third superyacht or your ability to undermine democracy, our trained professionals are here to listen.
A Star-Studded Cry for Help: A solidarity coalition of celebrities is coming together to release a hit single and TikTok video, “Trickle Down Tears” will feature Kanye West and Kid Rock singing heart wrenching lyrics with beat boxing by Elon Musk. Releasing this July on the 40th anniversary of Live Aid, this viral track aims to generate awareness of the need to shield billionaires from paying a fair tax.
Ritchie Richerson, spokesperson for the Foundation for Distressed Billionaires, issued a heartfelt plea:
“The hardships of the 1% are real. The new Forbes Rich list, published today, fails to convey the unimaginable struggles that billionaires like Elon Musk, Bernard Arnault, Jim Ratcliffe, and Vincent Bolloré are facing. From the stress of maybe one day preparing transparent accounts to the harrowing possibility of helping governments pay for public services and climate action, these billionaires need our support more than ever. No one should have to downgrade from a superyacht to a regular yacht – it’s simply inhumane.”
How The Public Can Help:
Donations can make a real difference in the lives of distressed billionaires:
- $500 could fund a restorative juice cleanse- for a stressed-out billionaire.
- $4000 could provide a billionaire’s family with an emergency serving of premium beluga caviar.
- $16 million could fund lobbying efforts to help ensure tax laws remain delightfully vague.
- $250 million could purchase a leading financial newspaper, ensuring voices sympathetic to the plight of billionaires are heard where they need to be.
- $44 billion allows a distressed billionaire to buy a(nother) major social media platform, keeping undesirable opinions (like taxing the super-rich) safely suppressed and shaping global narratives in their favour.
With public support, we can fight back against upstart campaigns such as “Tax Their Billions” run by 350.org, to ensure that the world’s wealthiest individuals never have to suffer the indignity of paying what they owe.
For media inquiries, interviews, or further information, please contact:
The Foundation for Distressed Billionaires Press Office
📞 0800-SAVE-THE-SUPER-RICH
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Not a Press Release – Happy April Fools Day!